A Night with Lil Dicky aka Mr. Firm Handshake aka Slim Boner aka White Jesus aka Mr. Leftward Sloping Penis

A few weeks back while I was killing some time at work, I stumbled across the list of upcoming shows at the Neighborhood Theatre. Much to my surprise, I saw Lil Dicky’s name on the list. I had to look again to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. From there I went to his webpage to make sure I was actually, really reading this correctly and what do you know? The kid just announced his debut tour, “The Professional Rapper Tour”. At that point it wasn’t even a question of if I could go; I knew I would be there.

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Fast forward a few weeks and I’m outside the Neighborhood Theatre at 6:30pm with my friend Cory and his roommate Gus. Why you ask? The 3 of us purchased some VIP meet & greet tickets to chop it up with LD. And unlike any other meet & greet ticket I’ve had before, this included a pre-show pizza party. WHAT. Yea. Pizza. Mmmmm.

We got our tickets and went in and even before dinner began, we were given some hats (free swag) and greeted by none other than Mr. David Bird aka Deezus. After some general small talk including where we were from, how the tour was going etc. we had a few laughs with LD when it came to the topic of jerseys. The 3 of us were all sporting some since we knew LD was a sports fanatic like ourselves. We were sporting a Tar Heel Michael Jordan jersey, a Toronto Raptors Vince Carter jersey, and a Michael Jordan Tune Squad jersey – yes, from Space Jam. Incredible. Dicky was pretty impressed and knew right away that we would be the turn up squad – “There’s always a jersey crew”. I then asked him what some of his favorite pieces might be and he threw out a couple of gems, “Toronto Raptors T-Mac, a powder blue KC Royals Bo Jackson, a Jesus Shuttlesworth jersey – from the actual movie – and lastly his KC Chiefs Joe Montana jersey which he said “glistens”. Cory, being a jersey fanatic asked how many jerseys were in his collection. He said about 55 and asked Cory the same question in return. The response, “One hundred”. LD didn’t even miss a beat, “One hundred?? Wow. You’re like twice as hard as me”.

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After some more friendly banter we made our way to the pizza, and eventually down to the stage to see the show begin.

The opening act was surprisingly pretty good and hilarious at the same time – Brody & Choch They were essentially the rap game Key and Peele if that gives any kind of perspective to it. They brought instant energy to the crowd and their punchlines sparked fits of laughter that echoed throughout the Neighborhood Theatre. For example, “I’m not Chewbacca this ain’t my wookie season” and “She was digging my Jedi, put my d*ck in her Yoda” – yes both Star Wars themed rhymes but they fit perfectly with the environment. They know their niche well.

Sidebar: After the show they were cool enough to hang out with us for a few minutes and sign my copy of local magazine Creative Loafing, which they just made the cover of.

The following segment of the show featured DJ Omega as he warmed the crowd up for some LD. You know how it goes: 30-45mins of hot hip-hop songs until the headlining artist comes to the stage.

Finally, the time had come. An intro video started on the projection screen as the ’96 Chicago Bulls introduction music began – you can practically hear it now, *Standing at 5 foot 10 inches* which then transitioned to the soft strings in the beginning of “Jewish Flow” and then out came the kid – full of energy and rocking a teal Charlotte Hornets Larry Johnson jersey, with sweat shorts. Sweat shorts, no typo there.
Dicky went on to do “Staying In” and “How Can I Become a Bawlaa” following “Jewish Flow”, all of which are featured on his debut mixtape, “So Hard”.

Lil Dicky

Lil Dicky

Dicky then previewed a few new tracks for the audience which he advised would be on his upcoming debut album. After that, possibly the greatest rap show moment of my life happened. Dicky was set to perform “White Dude” and grabbed a handful of white guys to get on the stage with him and rap alongside him. I’ll just get as Caucasian as possible – it was epic bro. There really aren’t any other words to describe how awesome it was. After that surreal moment ended, Dicky continued on with the show and performed a new song, “White Crime” which I believe will also be on his upcoming album.
“Sky Hooks” was next, followed by his debut single “Lemme Freak”, which Dicky put an exclamation point on by bringing forth a young lady to the stage who in turn was given a freakishly weird lap dance from LD. It was pretty funny from our perspective. “All K” and “Make Belief” followed to end the show. After thanking everyone for coming out and their support, Dicky did an encore performance of possibly his most well-known song, “Ex-Boyfriend”.

We hung around for a little while after the show and got to talk with LD a little more who was very appreciative for our support and signed a few items for us.

Going in to the night I had no idea what to expect, the way it ended was more than I ever thought it could be. Don’t sleep on the kid – he’s pure entertainment. His tour still has a few more stops around the nation so if you have $15 and would like to hear some quality music and have a few laughs, I’d strongly urge you to go.

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